The only broken instrument

[anyanka_eg]

Title: The only broken instrument
Author: Anyanka_eg
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: McShep
Warnings: Some swearing
Summary: Rondey thought that maybe he'd cry and cry and never stop.

A bit of angst that got into my head and wouldn't go away until I wrote it. It's not beta-ed so if you have any suggestions please let me know.
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He felt tears pricking at the corners of this eyes but he couldn't let himself cry, not yet, because he knew it was embarrassment as much as hurt right now. Later, when he let himself forget about his pride, he'd cry for the heart that had been ripped out of his chest. Maybe he'd cry and cry and never stop.

He stuffed the latest edition of the Journal of Applied Physics in to the bag with the rest of the things he'd left in Sheppard's room and took one last look around the room. That morning he'd woken up in the bed, arms and legs tangled with John's, no, Sheppard now, and he'd been happy. Too warm, too sticky, but wrapped up in what he thought was a great relationship.

He felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. More than that, it felt like he'd been slapped in the face and laughed at by everyone he knew and thought he respected. He felt raw and numb all at once and he just wanted to go and die quietly for the next year or so until he could face people again. Maybe they'd have forgotten by then that he was stupid enough to think John Sheppard would love him back.

He should have known, really he should have, but he'd hidden his head in the sand and hoped it wouldn't end like it always had before. People like John, people like Sheppard, didn't do more than pass time with people like him. Pass time until someone better came along. And he guessed he'd seen that someone today. God, he was a fool.

He turned to leave just as the door swooshed open and John sauntered in, smirk sliding into place when he saw Rodney.

“Hey,” John said, with a soft smile. A smile like he hadn't just been whispering to a willowy blond out on their balcony. Their balcony, for fuck's sake. Like Rodney hadn't just heard him admit to cheating. Like he still had the right to smile that smile at him.

“No. No, you don't get to do that any more,” Rodney said, before he could stop himself.

John's smile slide away and he cocked an eyebrow, waiting for Rodney to explain. Well, damn it, he wasn't going to. He was through trying to keep Sheppard happy. He was through hoping that his every word wouldn't be the one that drove John away. He didn't have to worry about that any more because he'd already lost him and it hurt like hell.

“I can't do this. I thought...I guess I was wrong.”

“Rodney?” John asked, stepping closer as he realized that something was terribly wrong.

“No. No. I'm not...just leave me alone,” Rodney said, batting away John's hand from his arm because he might not be able to do this if he actually touched him.

“Rodney, please. What's the matter?” John pleaded, looking for all the world like he didn't know what was wrong, like he hadn't just told the blond that Rodney suspected. Jesus!

Well, now he knew. Now he knew and he was angry. Angry and hurting and totally not going to cry in front of the bastard. If he started talking, if he told Sheppard what he thought of him, there was no way he was going to keep his eyes dry. Better to just get out.

“This isn't going to work,” he said, because he needed to go, needed John to leave him alone, not to talk to him and charm him because he might not be strong enough. “Please, don't follow me.”

John's face in the that second before he turned away looked like his was watching his world fall apart, like he'd lost everything, and Rodney marveled again at the man's acting skills. Because, despite what Sheppard had said, he hadn't suspected. He hadn't even had an inkling that he was being played and that really, really made him feel stupid.

“Rodney...” Sheppard's voice, pleading, followed him to the door but he didn't stop. Couldn't stop because the tears were starting and he wasn't going to give John the pleasure of seeing how much it hurt.

************************************************************************************************************************

He'd spent two weeks mostly hiding, two weeks licking his wounds and he still wasn't ready for this. He was out here, under the guise of maintenance on the secondary power relays, to avoid contact with the populace of Atlantis in general. Wasn't it just ironic that the one person he most wanted to never see again was out here too?

He shouldn't have been. Rodney didn't listen in to the military's inane chatter over the radio for the good of his health. He made sure he avoided every patrol, every wandering marine. Not that they knew about his relationship with their commanding officer, they probably didn't even know about his relationship with the blond medic, because Sheppard was nothing if not discreet. He just didn't want them seeing him at all, seeing how raw he looked.

At the best of times he was terrible at hiding his feelings and right now he knew they were all there, out on display, front and center, and even the dumbest jarhead was going to wonder what broke him so badly. They were going to start thinking about who he spent all his time with, who he laughed and joked with in the mess, who he played games and snarked with and who he suddenly wasn't around anymore. And they would eventually work it out. He might hate Sheppard right now but he wasn't cruel enough to ruin his career. Besides it would be suicide to deprive Atlantis of her favorite son. He just didn't want to see him right now, that was all.

He'd been lucky for two weeks that there were no off world missions scheduled. Not for him at least. The rest of his team had been off world for most of the time on military exercises that had been planned for months, exercises that he had cursed for taking John away from him when he was first told about them. Now he was grateful for time it had given him without having to face Sheppard, or the rest of his team for that matter.

Teyla had tried to talk to him but he'd fled and avoided her since then. Ronon had just nodded at him when they passed in the corridor, something it he'd been unbelievably grateful for the first time it had happened because it was no different from their usual interaction. Elizabeth and Radek had alternated between looking disappointed and puzzled when he had to spend any time in their company. He'd thought about explaining, thought about telling them, telling them all, what a shit their beloved Sheppard was but it was still too soon. He was still too hurt to even think about how he felt when he was in public because when he was alone the tears just didn't seem to want to stop.

And now, there was Sheppard, leaning on the balcony rail right near the door Rodney had to go through. There was no way Rodney could get passed him without being spotted and then Rodney would be face to face with him for the first time since he'd left his room two weeks ago. He almost snorted a laugh at his own naivety because he'd thought Sheppard wasn't this cruel, that he wouldn't torment him like this. Well, that was another truth he'd learned about the man.

He took a couple of steps closer, debating making a run for it, when Sheppard, suddenly realizing he wasn't alone, span round to face him. Rodney registered the dampness of Sheppard's eyes when they were still wide with shock. By the time his former lover had scrubbed his hand across them in an attempt to hide the wetness, Rodney was already feeling a dark twist of joy. She'd dumped him, he just knew it, and Sheppard was out here hiding, just like he had been.

Rodney carried on walking, heading for the door, his head finally held high for the first time in two weeks. It felt good. Maybe he'd head for the mess, eat in public, maybe even go and berate a few minions in the lad. Oh yes, life was definitely getting better.

Sheppard just stood there like he was frozen, his face not quite hiding some emotion Rodney couldn't quite place, and the scientist felt the feelings of the past two weeks bubble up and form into a hard ball of vindictiveness in his chest. All the anger and the hurt twisted together into a cruel, verbal knife he shoved into Sheppard as he passed him.

“Being dumped hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?”

Rodney had a second to enjoy the pain that washed over Sheppard's face before he registered movement and felt a fist connect with his face. He stumbled backwards, his hands coming up, one to defend himself, the other to feel the lip he knew was split. Sheppard took one step forward, his whole body quivering with anger, before he caught himself. He opened his mouth but shut it again and simply turned on his heel and left.

*************************************************************************************************************************

“I want to make a formal complaint.”

Elizabeth looked up at him from her desk, disappointment and anger visible on her face. He guessed she didn't have to be diplomatic with him, didn't have to hide behind her calm mask anymore. Rodney decided he was ok with that. It meant he didn't have to dance round her feelings, didn't have to guess if she was really agreeing with him. He also guessed that Sheppard had gotten to her while he was still getting a stitch in his split lip.

“John thought you would. He's been here and explained already,” she sighed, suddenly seeming sad and maybe a little lost. “I didn't think you'd be that stupid.”

“He punched me! What did you expect me to do?” Rodney shouted, suddenly really angry with Elizabeth. Of course she'd take Sheppard's side, protect her perfect, golden boy. Oh, they might argue but Rodney had always known she would do anything to keep Sheppard happy, keep him lighting up the city, keep him fighting.

“If I was him, and you said what you did, you'd be lucky if I didn't shoot you. I knew you could be mean Rodney, but I've never know you be so intentionally cruel.”

Rodney blinked at her. He was surprised that Sheppard had told her what had been said, surprised Sheppard had opened himself up to that much scrutiny. Clearly the man had only told her his side of the story, about being taunted by the mean scientist when he'd just been dumped but his stupid girlfriend, but still, Rodney was surprised that Elizabeth agreed with resorting to violence.

He wondered if Elizabeth knew about them. If she knew Sheppard had been indulging in conduct unbecoming for months. If she knew he liked to beg Rodney to fuck him. If she knew that Rodney had fallen in love for the first time in his life. If she knew that even in the depth's of his despair over the past two weeks Rodney had never once considered telling anyone how much he was hurting because he couldn't out the man who had hurt him so much. He'd kept it inside himself, raged and cried in the privacy of his own room, and never once said a word about it to anyone else. Well, not any more.

“Oh, so it's ok for him to cheat on me but when he gets dumped, I can't even speak to him? I must have missed that memo. Could you send it again? I'm sure there's lots of people who want to know it's fine to break my heart and then punch me in the face. That I'll hide in my room or out on the edges of the city so no one has to see me falling to pieces, so no one can ask me about it and I won't have to tell. Does the memo say that I won't talk to anyone about how much it hurts to find out the love of my fucking life is playing around with some dumb blond, whispering to her about how I suspect something. Well, I didn't fucking suspect. It was a bolt out of the fucking blue and it hurts. It hurts so damn much that I'm not sure I can keep it all inside. I'm not sure I can protect him anymore.”

The anger that fueled his initial sarcasm was gone, flowing out of him with the words he spat at Elizabeth, leaving just the raw hurt and embarrassment . She was sitting behind her desk, her mouth open in a surprised 'O' staring at the scientist as he dragged in a breath that sounded like a sob. After a few moments she finally spoke.

“I think you should sleep on this.”

“No. No, I want to do this,” Rodney replied, not sure he actually did but he was sick of everything and he just wanted it all to be over.

“If you do this there's no way I can take it off his record later,” she explained. “I think you should take you time to consider this.”

The fact that she was arguing with him proved how shaken Atlantis' commander was. Even on his most obdurate days Sheppard knew that the more he argued the more stubborn the scientist got, that there were better ways to get Rodney to change his mind. Rodney could help but argue back.

“I want to make the complaint.”

“And I'm asking you to sleep on it. I can make it an order if I have to,” Elizabeth said, her diplomatic mask back in place, hiding what she was really thinking. He knew her well enough to know she was planning something and buying herself time to carry it out. He didn't want to be fixed, he didn't want his relationship pawed over by Elizabeth and Heighmeyer as they tried to salvage Sheppard's career.

“Fine, I'll be back first thing in the morning,” he said.

*************************************************************************************************************************

The fix, when it came, was in the shape of Teyla. A Teyla who was as angry as Rodney had ever seen her. He wouldn't have let her in but she caught him unawares as he returned to his room with his dinner. There was no way he could fend her off with a tray full of food and he really, really needed to eat because he could feel is blood sugar plummeting. Once they were inside he gave her what she'd obviously come for.

“If you're here to beg me not to file a formal complaint, save your breath. I was angry and hurt but I don't want to destroy his career.”

“It may be too late for that,” she said, anger shimmering just underneath her calm exterior. “Colonel Sheppard has written his resignation letter and is packing his bags.”

Well, he hadn't expected that. Maybe Sheppard had felt the same way about the blond as Rodney did about him. He'd be lying if he said over the past two weeks he hadn't contemplated cutting and running as well. He just didn't think Sheppard would ever do it. What Teyla thought he could do about it was a mystery.

“And this affects me how,” he sneered, wincing inwardly at the tone of his voice. He really needed to eat.

“Because you are the cause of it and you have to fix it. You must stop him leaving.”

“How is it my fault if he gets dumped?” Rodney was struggling to get his head around this. Lying in bed one night they'd discussed who would guess they were together and had agreed Teyla and Ronon probably did. They'd never confirmed it, just accepted the odd knowing smile from their team mates. He supposed it wasn't really a surprised Teyla blamed him for Sheppard's unhappiness.

“Rodney!” she said firmly, the tone of her voice cutting off his train of thought. “No matter what you think, and yes I have spoken to Elizabeth, Colonel Sheppard was never unfaithful to you and your actions have caused him an immense amount of pain. He thinks he has let his feelings for you interfere with his judgment and that he can no longer do his job. He loves you very deeply and he can't understand what he did to make you hate him so much.”

“Never cheated? I suppose I imagined the little clinch I caught him in?”

Rodney knew Teyla was even better than Elizabeth at picking up on body language and hearing the real meaning in what people said, but even she had to acknowledge she could be wrong sometimes. She couldn't know everything that went on and Sheppard was discreet to the point of paranoia. Rodney still found it strange he'd ever found the unhappy couple at all.

“A clinch?”

“With nurse Sands.”

“But Rodney, she is dating Major Lorne,” Teyla explained, clearly expecting this to sooth away all his hurt.

“And that makes it better? Jesus, she's even more of a slut,” Rodney shouted, getting more confused with every passing minute. How could Teyla think it was ok? He thought she liked Lorne.

“She is not a slut, as you call her,” Teyla insisted, clearly not happy to use the derogatory term. “She is a very nice woman who loves her boyfriend very much.”

“How can you say that? You didn't see them canoodling on the balcony. Our balcony, for god's sake.”

And that had really hurt. Sheppard couldn't even manage to take his floozy to somewhere that wasn't a special place for them. That he'd thought that little of their relationship he'd brought that woman to the place they'd first kissed six months ago.

“You saw them kissing?” she demanded, getting angry again.

“No, not exactly,” Rodney had to give that answer because he hadn't. If he'd hung around and watched for another few minutes he was pretty sure he would have done though.

“And you were willing to throw your relationship away because they were on a balcony together?”

“Oh please,” he sneered. “You don't have to be a genius to know it's a standard operation for Sheppard. Take them to a secluded balcony, flash a charming smile or two and they'll fall at his feet. I still can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for it too.”

“I sometimes do not think you deserve the love of a man like Colonel Sheppard,” Teyla sighed, clearly frustrated with his inability to forgive Sheppard his indiscretions.

“And that's just it, isn't it? That's why you all take his side, why you'll never think what he did was wrong. I loved him so god damn much and he cheated on me. Just let me deal with it in my own way and leave me alone.”

“I know you are hurting Rodney but you are not listening to me. Nurse Sands is not cheating on Major Lorne. They're on a surprise vacation on the mainland. A vacation that she planned to celebrate their anniversary with John's help.”

“Eh?”

“They are staying with my people on the main land. She asked for Colonel's help to arrange it without the major knowing about it,” she explained, with a patience normally reserved for really stupid children. “Lorne began to suspect that something was being planned because Sheppard is not as good a liar as he thinks he is. They had to be very discreet in their meetings.”

“And he told you this? How convenient?"

“Dr McKay!” Teyla shouted at him. Rodney had never seen her this angry, not at him at least. “Colonel Sheppard told us of the plan a month ago when we shared lunch. He was very excited about the prospect of surprising Major Lorne. Do not make me radio Dr Zalenka and ask him to retrieve the security tapes from the mess.”

“But...”

“Rodney, you have thrown away what you told Elizabeth was the love of your life for no reason.”

He didn't need to see the tapes. What he did see though was why Teyla was so angry at him, why she thought he didn't deserve Sheppard. He'd destroyed their relationship because of his own conviction that it would end badly had become a self fulfilling prophecy. He'd never even given Sheppard a chance to defend himself, explain that Rodney was being a jerk and to get over himself.

“Dr McKay, you are looking a little pale,” Teyla said, suddenly at his side holding his elbow. “Perhaps you should sit down and eat your food.”

He couldn't eat now. He had to go and find Sheppard to stop him leaving had to go and apologize and make him stay and tell him he was an idiot and he hated himself and why was he sitting at his desk.

“Rodney, eat this,” Teyla ordered, shoving a spoonful of chocolate pudding towards his mouth. “Or I will call for a medic and you don't want that do you.”

Rodney knew there was no point arguing with her because she was Teyla and she was right. If he ended up in the infirmary John might be gone before he ever got out.

*************************************************************************************************************************

He sounded the chime of Sheppard's door, wondering if he'd have to break in to get to talk to him. He wouldn't have blamed the man if he never wanted to see him again. He was surprised when the door opened to show Ronon standing there, obviously expecting him. Rodney took a step back, not quite sure what he'd do if the big man decided to swing for him. He thought maybe he'd just take what he knew he deserved.

Instead Ronon just nodded and stepped out into the corridor, leaving him with a clear view of a Sheppard standing in the middle of his room. Rodney didn't wait for an invite he knew he would never get, he stepped in and let the door swish shut behind him.

Sheppard was frozen amongst the boxes he'd packed and Rodney took in all the details he'd missed when he saw the man earlier. His eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed, he hadn't shaved and his skin looked a little gray. Worse than that was the defeated slope of his shoulders. Rodney had never seen Sheppard look so lost.

“What do you want?” John finally demanded, pulling himself together enough to show the bitterness he felt. “Come to help me pack? Make sure I go? You've won. You can leave now.”

“I've come to apologize,” Rodney said, hoping it would be enough to make Sheppard stay.

“Elizabeth make you?” Sheppard turned away and carried on stuffing his belongings into boxes. His shoulders were a stiff line and Rodney knew John well enough to know he was trying to convince himself he didn't care Rodney was there. Convince himself that he wasn't hurting.

“No. Teyla explained a few things and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for my behavior.”

“That's nice McKay. I hope you feel better for it,” John said scornfully, still facing away from Rodney and clearly pretending he was concentrating on packing. “I'm guessing you won't be pressing charges then?”

“No. No I won't.”

“Great.”

The silence stretched between them, painful and filled with so many unsaid things. Rodney didn't know where he should begin because he'd made so many mistakes. He knew that all the hurt he'd felt over the past two weeks, fueled by what he thought was righteous indignation, were nothing to what John must have felt because at least Rodney had known what was happening. He knew John well enough to know that he'd have looked to himself for a reason, that he'd have tried to work out what it was he'd done to drive his lover away. He wasn't sure he had the words to heal that hurt.

“I thought you were cheating,” he finally blurted out, cursing himself when John whirled round, anger flashing in his eyes. “In my defense, I've never had a relationship that didn't end with me being cheated on.”

John had opened his mouth to speak when he turned but he shut it again. Rodney wanted him to say something, wanted to know what he was thinking because he couldn't read him right now. He wanted to know if what he had to say was going to stop John from leaving. He had no hopes of for their friendship but he hoped that Atlantis wasn't going to lose its military commander because Rodney was an idiot. He squared his shoulders and offered Sheppard everything he had to give.

“Obviously I'll be resigning from your team and I will stay out of your way as much as possible. I'll send Zalenka to the staff meetings and I'd resign from mission completely if I thought Elizabeth would let me. I'm not asking you to forgive me, I don't expect you to, all I'm asking is that you don't leave Atlantis. You're needed here.”

“It's not that simple,” John replied finally, sounding broken and wounded.

“No, no I suppose it's not,” Rodney sighed, defeat pulling his mouth into a tight line. “For what it's worth I'm truly sorry for what I did.

“I've spent two weeks wondering what I did, what I said to make you leave me. It's all I've thought about,” John said, a hint of accusation creeping into his voice. “Lorne ran the exercises because I couldn't focus enough to remember what I was supposed to be doing most of the time. If it had been a real situation we'd be dead because I couldn't get you out of my head. I'm not fit for duty. Not seeing you in meetings isn't really going to help with that.”

Something tight and painful in Rodney's chest eased a little. John's admission, despite how desperate it sounded, gave the scientist something to work with. It wasn't much but he'd take what he could get right now.

“Take some time off then. We'll call Lorne back from his secret vacation and you can take a few weeks off."

“Ruining Evan's vacation, which was only ever a secret from him, is not going to make this better. Besides, Rachel'll never forgive me if I call him back.”

Rodney bristled slightly at the mention of her name before he caught himself. He'd spent two weeks hating her, along with John, and it was hard to let go of the feeling. John, sharp as ever, spotted the slight stiffening of his back and began to put two and two together.

“You thought I was sleeping with Rachel...with Evan's girlfriend? It's good to know what a shit you think I am. Jesus Christ, McKay!”

“It's not like that. I didn't know she was seeing Lorne until thirty minutes ago.”

“Oh, well that makes it ok then.”

“No, no. I know it doesn't but like I said everyone I've ever dated has cheated on me in the end,” Rodney said, knowing that what he saying wasn't helping, but he plowed on, desperate to make John understand. “When I heard you say to her that 'he's getting suspicious' I thought you meant me.”

“You were spying on me?”

“No!” Rodney countered indignantly. “I was looking for you to say thank you for chocolate you left in my desk and to ask you to go to lunch.”

John's face softened a little at that and Rodney knew he was making progress, that maybe he could persuade him to stay. They'd been happy together, really happy, and Rodney knew that had to count for something in the grand scheme of things. That day he'd found a couple of Hershey's kisses, the ones John rationed out for him, in the top draw of his desk. He never knew when he'd find them, where he'd find them and it made him grin every time he did. God, he still loved John so much.

“For what it's worth I'm truly sorry for what I did, what I thought. If I could take it back, take away these last two weeks I would. I give anything to be able to do that.”

“But you can't. You didn't even give me the chance to defend myself.”

“I know.”

“Is that it? All you've got to say to me?” John's voice was rising again.

“What else is there? I've ruined the best relationship I've ever had in my life, I've lost my best friend and I've thrown away my chance to do the part of my job I enjoy most."

Rodney cursed his inability to find the right words. John had every right to be angry, he knew that, but he needed to understand that he couldn't just leave. Atlantis was John's home, the only place he'd ever felt at like he belonged. He'd told Rodney that in one of his whispered confessions in the wee small hours of the night, the ones where Rodney had learned about black marks and screwed up families, about ex-wives and lonely childhoods.

“Please. Please don't leave because of me,” Rodney pleaded, he could feel his eyes pricking with desperation. “Please don't give up all this. It's your home John. Please. Not because of me.”

“I'd have done anything you asked, you know?” John said, his voice sad. “Anything to make you stay with me.”

“And I'll do anything right now. Please John. Anything.”

“You don't have to.”

“No, John. No, you have to stay,” Rodney was begging now, he knew there were probably tears too but he didn't care. “I'll leave. I'll leave and then you'll never have to see me again. Please, stay.”

“I meant I'll stay.”

“You will?”

“Yeah, but I'll take some leave,” he said, looked tired but relaxed. “When Lorne gets back though.”

Rodney smiled just a little at that. John was staying, and he was happy about that, even if it came at the cost of their friendship. He supposed he better go and let Zalenka know he was going to be going to staff meetings for the foreseeable future. At least he wasn't going to make the man go off world. That never ended well.

“I better be going then,” Rodney said, suddenly feeling very tired. “Let Teyla and Elizabeth know you're staying. Please.”

John nodded and Rodney turned to leave. He was nearly at the door when John spoke.

“Come with me. On leave. Come with me.”

Rodney turned and stared at John. Was he really asking what he thought he asking? Sheppard was standing the middle of his partially boxed room, hands shoved deep in his pockets, looking right back at Rodney. His face was open, naked, and the scientist could see it all, everything that John was feeling. There was still hurt, Rodney thought there might always be hurt, but there was hope too and an something that he wanted to think of as love, even if it was battered and bruised.

“I'd like that,” Rodney answered, hoping John could read as much on his face as he could on John's. “I'd like that a lot.”

*************************************************************************************************************************

Note: The title is from a quote by T.E Kalem, “A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works.”